Retrospection & Introspection

Some of my fellow post-grads

So, my first semester at Newcastle University has pretty much come to an end. It's been a pretty interesting few months, it's great to be amongst people with a real zeal to learn, as an undergrad you feel that some people are there just because they had nothing better to do after college, university for them was 80% alcohol and 20% studying. With post-graduates, I certainly feel that I'm amongst people who are passionate about what they are studying.

The last few months have also taught me a great deal about myself, about aspects of my character that I need to develop and show, and other aspects that I need to get rid of.

I don't really like labeling myself, but I've always considered myself to be an introvert, my closest friends would probably disagree, as they are probably used to me being loud, boisterous, polemical and humorous. And, yes I am all these things to a certain degree, but I find that it is when one is in unfamiliar company that the distinction between introvert and extrovert is best displayed, and when in unfamiliar company, I am the opposite of all those adjectives listed above. Especially in a social gathering, I just don't know what to say, and that's also when the stammering kicks in, so I may know what to say, but I'm just unable to say it. Oftentimes I'm just on the periphery, nodding my head at an ongoing conversation and appearing deeply interested.

In a social setting, I find that I work best if I'm with someone I know very well, someone to bounce my thoughts and jokes off on, with the presence of a familiar face I feel very much at ease. Being able to socialize effectively (solo) is definitely something I'm working on, and it's something I sort of have to do now that I'm a member of a new church and Christian community, I can't always run to Marlene for help.

Which brings me to the second aspect of my behaviour that I need to work on, and that's being 'warm' to everyone around me. More than once this year, I've heard through the grapevine that certain people like my character, but I seemingly don't give them the time of day; when they try engaging me, I'm either distant or brief. It's certainly not something I do on purpose, and it is flattering that some people genuinely want to make my acquaintance, but I think I may be rubbing off the wrong way, as being aloof or arrogant, and these are words that no one would like associated with them. I am partially aware of this 'fault' in my character, and I am very aware of certain individuals I feel want to know me better, and it hurts me when they sing my praises (based on their observations of my interactions with close friends) and I cannot honestly repay them in kind, because I have not made the effort to get to know them.

Well, they say the first step in solving a problem is identifying it, and I have definitely identified this one, and over the next few months I'll be doing my best to rectify it.