The Book of Ehud

The Book of Ehud, from Private Eye:

Chapter 94

1. And it came to pass in the days when Ehud ruled the Land of Israel as Sharon lay sleeping in an coma that the Hamasites came privily by night and stole from the Israelites a soldier whose name was Shalit and led him away into capitivity.

2. And Ehud counseled himself thus, saying.

3. "What shall I do? Shall I smite the Hamasites like unto Sharon? Or smite them an hundredfold also like unto Sharon?"

4. And he decided to go for the hundredfold option.

5. And so he sayeth unto the Children of Israel, "Gird up thy tanks and go forth into the Land of Gaza and smite everything you see until this captive is returned to us."

6. And they did even as Ehud commanded.

7. But, guesseth what? The captured soldier returneth not.

8. And, meanwhile, there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Land of Gaza, which was turned into an wilderness fit only for the cockatrice and the ant.

9. Now there dwelt in the Land of Lebanon certain Hizbollites who did look upon the works of the Hamasites and sayeth one to another:

10. "What the Hamasites have done, let us do also. For it seemeth an goodly idea.

11. "For as sure as the noonday sun riseth over the Cedars of Lebanon, the Sons of Israel will be consumed by wrath and their judgement will leaveth by the window."

12. And it was even as the Hizbollites foretold.

13. They also crept privily by night (see-eth above) and led certain soldiers of Israel into captivity.

14. The Ehud waxed exceeding wroth, like unto the hornet when a man whacketh it with his flip-flop.

15. And Ehud again took counsel with himself (see-eth above again).

16. And, lo, yet again he reasoned that smiting was the only answer, but this time it would be an thousandfold.

17. So he commanded the Israelites: "Go forth unto the Land of Lebanon and lay it waste like unto Gaza, except more so, for these people learneth not their lesson.

18. "Unlike myself."

19. And so it came to pass and the Israelites smote the Hizbollites, and they smote back at the cities of the Israelites and meanwhile the Hamasites did some smiting as well.

20. And the Hamasites and the Hizbollites rejoiced, saying, "It worketh every time."

21. But Ehud hearkeneth not, and sayeth unto himself:

22. "Perhaps I should extend the smiting to the Syrianites and then the Iranianites and all the rest of the Arabites.

23. "Until there is no one left to smite.

24. "And then the children of Israel may dwell in peace. Just as our forefathers didn't."